All of the last few months have been "fuck, this is stressful month I just want to get this over with..." and yet it all keeps being stressful for different reasons.
the holidays are always a bit stressful for people but goddamn it's just been brutal this year. I just moved over thanksgiving break, and things still aren't completely settled in. Work has been stressful af, sickness keep going around and happening... we're not getting holiday bonuses this year at my company for what feels like excuses -_- ... god, not to mention the bad luck some of my friends have had, a car accident, then a death in the family a couple weeks later... then even thinking about everything that's wrong in america could make anyone crash out...
None of this I want to dwell on for too long, but it still deserved acknowledging.
[stares off into space for a solid few minutes]
hm. For me, when not getting pummeled by work I've been reminicing a lot before bed. I want to get into routines, and start being creative again, and more consistenly this time. But alas life gets in the way.
But finally leaving a toxic household has been making me think a lot about the past and what feelings (good or bad) had been fueling my creativity. And it's christmas time, prime time for nostalgia... I catch myself getting into the chrismas spirit despite things generally being bad and me having been a bit grinchy the last several years due to how sour my family had turned christmas for me, we practically stopped celebrating it.
But now that I'm in a new season of my life, living with a friend, and this is my first time having a real christmas tree.
It's hard to try and assign meaning and themes to my life during this transitional time, I keep witnessing moments of strong emotions and memories pass through me. Some bitter, some like grief, and some of self discovery, some of relief and freedom.
I don't know if anyone else feels strange finally coming out of a situation, and finally being able to see it all from the outside. When the people seem to lose their grasp on you, and feel farther away than ever. They seem older. It seems like something has truly changed, and not necessarily for the better. You see what life you were giving them before has gone. They seem so much older now. It's only been a month.
But then the time will start to slip away, things in their world will change without you being there to witness. Lives diverging at the crossroads. Lives that had been imprisoned together for so long.
Maybe i feel callous as things continue to grow farther apart. There are the things i mourn, but there are people that I have no more tears for. They wouldn't spare me any, is it so wrong of me to return the favor?
I don't know if other people feel the same way about leaving home.